fuck my last entry, all men ARE the same! except this one is 10 times worse. and to think i thought that it would be forever, sickens my mind. sick of the shit he tells me all the time. what are you doing with your life. atleast i talk to my parents. you went to college. youre ugly, youre stupid. fucking EVERYTHING that he spills out of his mouth is putting me down. sick of his shit and i didnt even explode at him today, and he had the NERVE to say to me.. i hope you know, that none of this is my fault. and just fucking leaves. wtFUCK. and the nerve of him to go to my house and take his shit back without letting me know first. his excuse is that i didnt pick up his calls. duh, WTF happened to txt messaging? and the NERVE OF HIM to fucking make me call him and tell him where i am and that he wants to talk and that hes putting effort into all of it, when CLEARLY he already picked up all his shit already. he had his mind set, and then he goes off and changes his mind just like that??? what does he think this is, a fucking game, that he could just do whatever the fuck he wants? if he really wanted to put effort and make things better, he shouldnt have left to begin with. he shouldnt have went to grab his shit out of anger because i didnt pick up his calls. he shoulda not done shit to spite me and get me angry. but no, that's exactly what he's good at doing. doing things to spite me. so it's over and done with, im so fucking angry.

the last thing i ever wrote to him, fucking i regret every moment i had with you. WAS PROBABLY THE HARDEST THING I HAD TO WRITE. but i did it. and there's some part inside of me that regrets saying so, but theres no turning back now, no matter how much i want to, no matter how much i miss him, or how much it hurts. this is the end of our story. i dont wanna be with an asshole anymore, im fucking sick of this shit.

im so weakkkk. weak-mindedd.
idiocy has completely taken over.

it must be the weather that's throwing my state of mind in whackness. wish i could do more with my life. what happened to all the things i wanted to accomplish? what happened to travelling to third-world countries and helping people in need?! my will is too weakk. i think i just need a new job. another goal in life perhaps? i'm 25 and doing nothinggg. feel like shit? oui. and nothing moreee.. to-do list, must keep applying to jobss! no matter how many times i get shut down. ughhh.. worst feeling ever.

on another note! my final decision is.. i'm gonna keep lovinggg. and if things dont turn out in the end, then WHATEVER! if i could move on after an 8 year relationship - where i've known and grew up with him since kindergarten, then i SURE AS HELL can move on if the current decides to end it with meee. and i mean.. i need to be a bit more optimistic no? robinnn thinkkk bright side! not all men are the same... duhhhh. who knows, maybe he's forever...?

so.. things have been good between us i guess. occassional fights, but whatever. what couple doesn't?

i'm not gonna lie, there are days when i reminisce the moments i had with my ex, but it seems like those days are becoming rarer and rarer.

what seems to bother me more is that i feel like i'm not worthyyy, and more like a bother than anything else. moreso, i don't think i could ever match up to any of his ex-gf's, & do the things they do. i know he tells me that he's happy with me when i ask him... but call me crazyyy - i think he'd be happier without me around.

i have a tendency to think strange thingss like every other female being in the world. perhaps this is one of the stranger things that females tend to think abouttt. that, or it could just be me. i feel kind of saddd.. i wanna be that person that makes him the happiest he's ever been, but i know i could never be that person. women's intuitionn, he definitely misses the times he's had with his ex's.

im kind of scared on my part... i'm growing so attached, and what's going to happen once he moves uptown by the end of this weekend?! i feel like it's gonna be so harddd. maybe i should just let go now? the earlier - the easier it'll be to get over, no? immmm sooooo frustratedd! and to think, i've finally found my other half, ughhh. i think i really love him.. eff me. why else have i not given up when i told myself i would, when i found out he was moving? im effing stupidd. too much dead brain cellsss,, whyyyy so STUPIDDDD.

whyyyyy is karmaaa such a bitch?!?! Today when i was with him it suddenly hit me... All the mean things hes done to me are thingss that i did to my ex... All the bad things. Like constantly mentioning and comparing me to his ex's.. Putting me down and not siding with me.. Being all sketchy n shit all the time.. Etc etc.. Everything is EXACTLY the same. How i used to treat my ex and all of a sudden it hit me, i was such an asshole to my ex. Theres nothing that can be changed now. Ive tried so hard to be a better person but i cant take this shit anymore, especially when he hung up on me today, fuck. Promising that he wouldnt do it anymore and then breaking it so fast? I knew itt, that theyre all the same. I promise myself im gonna stop trying. Men dont deserve good treatment, period. I dont know why i still havent learned that motto yet.. venting completed... Tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow.. There will definitely be a different me. A stronger, more independent me,,

i'm not gonna lie,,
it still kind of hurts.

i don't know if i should consider it a hurt? more like.. i'm not completely used to it yet.
either wayyy, i'm happy now - which ive not felt in awhile! and i'm not about to let this happiness pass me by, because of shitty yearss of shitty ass memories that ended up being a waste of my time.

i guess i should be thankful for the shitty times my ex brought upon me. i mean, how else would i have met the current, and be extremely thankful? <3

i'm gladdd... !
hopefully this isn't just a phase relationship for the both of us.

In times of doubt,
"fuck logic and do what your gut says" I told myself when i reluctantly wanted to attend my friend's birthday BBQ.
I haven't attended my friend's birthday the year before..
And will feel guilty if I did not attend this years as well.
And it was there that I met him.
He was so sex